Live In the Moment

This past weekend I had an object (or should that be ‘abject’) lesson in the folly of too much ‘saving for a special occasion.’   Specially, in this case, lingerie.  Back in my slender youth I did some modeling, which included quite a bit of lingerie.  I loved the stuff, bought the most romantic, frivolous items I could find (I loved the Gothic heroine look, for instance) and then squirreled them away in my dresser drawer(s) for the right occasion with the right man.  I wore some of it, but generally fell in the habit of sleeping in old comfy things. I wore several cotton chemises until they practically disintegrated from wear, tear and washing.

My lingerie collection moved with me from San Diego to Los Angeles, and then back down to San Diego again only to turn around and travel back up to L.A…and then eventually I ended up, along with my lingerie, in San Francisco.  I did get rid of some of it along the way.  I gave some of the uber-Goth/vampire/red lace bustier type things to the daughter of a friend.  Meghan was into the role-playing game Kindred at the time and I love nothing better than passing along my belongings to someone who will appreciate them.  It’s like sending them to a new home.  Yes, I anthropomorphize things quite a bit.

Other items I’ve held onto even though I’ve only seen them while pulling out of moving boxes to put back into my dresser. I’d think about wearing them every now and again, but after a long day at work/writing/caring for the cats/cooking, it just seemed like too much trouble.  Besides, in SF it’s almost always flannel pajama weather…  Sexy pj’s would be a tank top and nice underwear.  Something I could wear underneath the flannel pajamas, y’know? 

The last few months I noticed my antique dresser and its contents smelled kind of funky.  Musty, mildewy, as if they’d been stored in someone’s damp attic for a few years.   Everything out, into the wash, lots of white vinegar and sunshine.  All the drawers pulled out, put into the sun, white vinegar and bleach, hoping for the best.   Put everything back in and it seemed fine, until a few weeks ago the smell was back. 

So one more time, even more heavy duty mildew killers used in the dresser interior and the drawers, although not as much sunshine because we’ve had approximately five sunny days all summer long.   This weekend I put everything back in the dresser… except I decided to try on my lingerie just for the hell of it. 

Bad idea. 

Well, at least as far as my ego was concerned.  

Yeah, some of it still fits.  But not a lot.  Some of it looks like it could only be worn by a ten year old, yet I did indeed fit in it at one time.  This was, of course, after losing 15 pounds in two weeks after a particularly nasty breakup in which my heart was thoroughly broken – I was the thinnest I’d ever been during this period of my life.  At any rate, these gorgeous, frivolous things, some of them vintage (all of them vintage these days, heh) that I hardly ever wore… I would now never wear them again.  Saved for a special occasion that never arrived and now that I’m smart enough to create my own special occasions, I’m defeated by my changed body and expanded waistline. 

Was my waist ever 24 inches without a corset?  Yup, it sure was. 

Will it ever be again?   HAH!  Not unless I’m hit with a wasting disease, in which case I doubt I’d be in the mood to prance around in sexy lingerie. 

So I’ve put it aside in a bag for eBay, along with other items from my past that either no longer fit my body or no longer suit my personality.  The things I’ve kept that still fit and suit are going to be worn.  Otherwise in ten years I’ll just have to do this all over again.  And that would be a waste of some damned sexy lingerie.  

Sunday Writing Prep

Today has already been a very good day.  I very rarely sleep the whole night through, but the last two nights I’ve fallen asleep around 10:30 and slept till 6:30, waking up slowly and naturally around 7:00.  Okay, yesterday morning Bug Bear helped me wake up by chewing on my chin, but there were no 1:00 am trips to the bathroom, no darkest before the dawn fits of insomnia as my brain chewed over everything I’m worried about, no panic attacks…just peaceful, dream-filled sleep.  I love dreaming and will lie in bed an extra hour just to let my mind sift through the images and emotions that played through my sleep.  I often dream of piranhas since we got Bug Bear, but that’s beside the point!

Up at 7:00 this morning, fed the beasties, and then Dave and I went for a long walk on the beach.  We didn’t take a watch because I didn’t want to obsess about time.  There are enough days when life has to be run on the clock, everything scheduled as to not miss my train, to get this project done on time, not be late to work, whatever.  Today for instance, I want to have all my posting and emailing done by noon so I can get back to work on my novel.  But I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the pleasure of my morning walk and part of that pleasure is turning back when I feel like it, not because the Watch Tells Me It’s Time.

There’s an expression ‘White man’s time’ that I’ve heard, referring to the tendency to be goal/time oriented, always racing to the next activity or event rather than enjoying the process and living in the moment.  I’ve found when I can zen out about my projects and my day, time stretches out like taffy.  One hour magically lasts for half a day and I get so much more accomplished because I’m not worrying about it.  Our walk felt like hours, yet was only two and when we got home, I still had plenty of time to meet my self-imposed start time for working on the novel.  I am not thinking about the fact tomorrow is Monday and I have to be back at my day job.  I will not say or even think ‘I don’t want to go to work tomorrow.’  It’s not tomorrow yet, is it?  So why waste a second of my lovely long weekend by worrying about it?